How to Break the Pattern of Convincing People of your Worth

Yes, please, more of THIS - specifically self-forgiveness and cycle breaking!

This image [above] states "I forgive myself for viewing somone's lack of reciprocation as a challenge to convince them of my worth" written by @ehimeora

I have forgiven myself for this. And learned through observing this pattern how to be more aware of it if/when it arises periodically so I can more consciously CHOOSE not to rise to all challenges, especially when no one is invested but my inner child seeking validation of worth.

What I mean by that is that my mind doesn't want or need someone outside of myself to validate my worth, but sometimes my body (specifically my nervous and survival systems) still remembers past experiences of being told I had no worth or value that wasn't attached to 'what I can do' for someone. I get triggered, or past conditioning and survival stress get activated, even though I don't actively seek or need validation outside of myself.

When I notice this convincing behavior or that I feel like I need to try harder rise up, I do the work to convince my inner child, inner teen and inner adult (aka, ALL OF ME) that my worth is inherent and I don't have to spend all my energy and time trying to earn it from people who aren't interested, aloof, or less interested than is in my best interest.

I do this instead of doing the convincing I've done in the past...even if I start doing the convincing, I stop and give myself kindness and a DO-OVER...because as the adult in charge of yourself, do-overs are a real thing!

This may be an unpopular opinion but FORGIVENESS IS NOT REQUIRED for healing to happen. A person can heal and ‘let go’ of the past, even pain or trauma, without forgiving those who harmed them…

That being said, there is one kind of forgiveness that can boost your healing outcomes and progress…SELF-FORGIVENESS.

I spent years (decades?) in a cycle and pattern of sticking with people who treated me like shit. I spent just as many years berating myself for being “so stupid” and “for not seeing it sooner”...

When I was able to forgive myself for what I didn’t know when I didn’t know it, what I couldn’t see when I was eyeballs deep in a harmful situation or dynamic, and for chasing validation of my worth from people who couldn’t see my worth or even me…that’s when I was able to heal. 

And healing looked a lot like looking inward and DEFINING my worth by my own standards, not from an external source. 

There is not a single person who doesn’t hold innate worth. Each living thing has value…you and I are no exception.

How did I gain the awareness to break this pattern? How did I heal and forgive myself and then heal some more?

• learning to Listen to my Body and Responding in new ways

• being supported with healing and coaching (also therapy early on, but talk therapy stopped being effective for me a long time ago…I didn’t stop going for years after realizing it wasn’t helpful because I didn’t know what other healing support options were affordable and accessible to me)

• Putting my energy and attention toward healing-oriented things and what IS working and good, instead of ruminating on the past and pain and what’s wrong with me

• I stopped talking about the things that happened to me all the time to anyone who would listen, including myself in my thought ruminations. It took up all my time and was distracting me from progress made and changes I created by wanting something different for myself than I had in childhood.  Years later, once I had already wrapped my mind around it in talk therapy, talk therapy became ineffective. I felt like I was wasting my time and not getting the help or the progress I needed. Nothing against therapy, it serves its purpose and meets the need of organizing your thoughts and understanding what happened to you. But once the need talk therapy can meet is met, then talk therapy becomes ineffective (or pointless, or whatever way you describe it as not working for you). 

• Addressing the stuck emotions, survival stress, and trauma patterns held in my nervous system and body by learning new emotional regulation skills and receiving support that included trauma healing practices

• Defined what healing would realistically look like for me so I could identify it when it happened…pain and all the bad or negative crap blocks our view of the good we’re creating as self-healers through our effort. When we can’t see the results, it is extra hard to sustain our effort to heal and improve ourselves, health, and lives.

• Redefining myself and my worth. Choosing my story, instead of accepting the one that was written ON ME and for me by other people through the lens of their own limitation, conditioning, trauma, and pain.

There’s more to it and while it looks like a lot, it makes such a HUGE difference in how you feel, function, relate to yourself and others, and live your life more comfortably and connected… It is all part of my Wholeness Methodology.

If you want an affordable, accessible way to access my Wholeness Methodology, you can join me in the Self-Healing Support membership for $33/month for healing and coaching support that can get you started on this journey.

There’s more individualized support, too if you need that…but I’m ready to get you moving toward comfort, healing outcomes, and creating the life you desire and deserve.

It’s time for you to thrive, are you ready to invest time and energy into YOU? I’m here to help. If you aren’t sure what kind of help you need…let’s chat. Always free to chat with me to see if we’re a good fit…and if we aren’t, if you need something I can’t provide - I’ll tell you because my job is not to sell you, it is my job to support you.